what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
