Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
