You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
