chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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