I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
