This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
