i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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