Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
