totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
