Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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