Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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