u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
