I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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