I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Are my feet made of real feet?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
