There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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