There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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