Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
