I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
