You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
