I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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