Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Randomize
