ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize