You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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