You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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