apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
