Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
