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We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Buhtt sex?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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