Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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