gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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