I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
