He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
