I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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