my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
