my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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