i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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