My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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