if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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