Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Couch. On fire.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Shame - the story of my life.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
