Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
