I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
