if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
