So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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