I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
