I think i peed on brittanys purse
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
