I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
