I'm eating all of the evidence.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
