I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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