When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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