sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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