I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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