Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize