using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
