So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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