hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
