I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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