Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
