doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
