wat bout pragnant strippers??
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
