Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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